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Play The Shins “Gone for Good” and continue reading.

Disclaimer: I am allowed one relationship-longing spiel and that quota has now been filled.

There’s no perfect person out there.

There are people you meet, those you can easily forget, those who somehow are so in sync with everything you are that it physically riles you up at just the thought of losing them.

There are those rare souls who you meet and your life is better because of it.

I am not so experienced in the romantic relationship realm as evidenced by the text messages between friends with conversations that often begin with “Welp my soulmate just walked by me and his face physically pains my heart”.

I do have that part of me nagging at the idea that I will never actually find someone that I can be in a relationship with, because I accept the terms and conditions of my inferiority complex.

But, why is that solely on me? Where are the quality, funny, kind, creative, shy, interesting men in the world? So, inspired by the delusions but sweet moments of Lars + the Real Girl, here it is: a research brief and applications can be filled after all points have been read through.

My idea of a good night is sitting on a couch. I really wish there was more to that sentence but there isn’t.

Brace yourself: I have secret Pinterest boards. I do. I really do. You know what that means. It’s a 20-something thing. IN SPITE OF THIS, the engagement ring is $80. Is that a fair trade off?

I have a family that will interrogate, question, and pry into your life. In the best way. They are loud. Obnoxiously loud.

You will have to sing karaoke at least once. I won’t because I filled my quota at the age of 10, singing “My Heart Will Go On” on command until quite literally my heart could no longer go on.

Humor me when I insist on watching the Magic Bullet commercial in its entirety.

Humor me when I reassure you that my biggest fear in life is the Truman Show Delusion.

Humor my irrational dream of following in Chris McCandless’s footsteps. Minus dying.

Humor my apparently dated process of creating mixed CDs.

Humor me.

When I say I can cook, what I am really saying is, “I have been watching Food Network all day and I have crossed the bridge from bored to delusional.”

It isn’t crucial that you also enjoy soccer, but some slight interest in sports would be beneficial.

ICYMI: Andrew McCarthy is the love of my 80s life. I am now terrified of my favorite Hughes movie because of a brilliant re-cut into a horror film, but I digress.

SIDENOTE: In all seriousness, how hard is it to stop the aging process? That’s a reasonable request, right? It’s not to much to ask. Stay 27 until I’m 25, all you perfect men out there that always just so happen to be 27. What is this personal vendetta 1986 has on 1992?

Okay, besides the above request, I sound decent, right? I am trying to unapologetically be myself and that has been an overwhelming and vulnerable process.

Applications are available in the form of coffee, folded up notes hidden in books, blatant honesty to my face if we cross paths, even a Bender-like fist pump just to get my attention.

Deadline is flexible.

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